“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Morning my dudes.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
🤣
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.