have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Passwords are more important than ever.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update