“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
This made me smile…
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon