Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered