Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
peep davidson
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Hot Hot Hot
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.