@Reverend_Scott

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

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@Playing_Dad

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@NamestartswithZ

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

@AlexKaan47

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.