Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.