Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Sharon I have some bad news
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
don’t we all
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month