Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.