Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
When I snag the last meatball.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it