Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Finally!
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.