@justinmilleresq

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

You Might Also Like

@whinecheezits

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

@Bob_Heller

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

@markydoodoo

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

@capnwatsisname

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

@nevernicethings

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

@VikingJonesy

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver