@whinecheezits My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
@justinmilleresq Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
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@whinecheezits 
@Playing_Dad *offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
@Izianikapani Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
@Pierre__4 If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
@myonlymizztake I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
@Bob_Heller I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
@markydoodoo AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
@capnwatsisname [second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
@nevernicethings “This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
@VikingJonesy My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver