Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.