Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Erm…
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended