Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
This headline is a thing of beauty
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”