Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
bears
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
This is hilarious….
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.