Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I created you as mosquito food.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Finally, a door that understands me
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.