Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*