Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*