“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.