Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Nothing.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before