“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
my dad has had enough
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo