“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol