“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to