“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.