“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes