Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“I FIXED IT!”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.