Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that