“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
You Might Also Like
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: