“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower