“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good