“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
You Might Also Like
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I finally found a reason to live again.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean