“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.


Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes



So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”


2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris


i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”


imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g


Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.


I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up


i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon