@E_lok44

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

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@DiamondLou69

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

@TheProfitSquad

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

@daemonic3

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

@xkattxhca

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

@jonnysun

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

@punished_cait

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@Marlebean

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

@ch000ch

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon