Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
They did not miss in the small print
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.