Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no