haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
You Might Also Like
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Hey I worked for it too!
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed