@squirrel74wkgn [watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
@birkinmami haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@EllaZee5 Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
@SonofConway When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
@SarcasticRover Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
@chillandwoke So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
@scot4bz My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
@Darlainky If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
@traciebreaux My favorite animal is fried chicken.
@iwearaonesie *knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
@heidi420x Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid