@birkinmami

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

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@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@EllaZee5

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@chillandwoke

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

@scot4bz

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

@iwearaonesie

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

@heidi420x

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid