haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

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[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer


My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home


If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.


*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*


Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid