Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.