@sofarrsogud

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

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@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@aotakeo

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@thecoliny

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

@Parkerlawyer

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

@Laser_Cat

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

@chuuew

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*