Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Meow
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it