Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”