Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”
Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
so i’m at the stock market right
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.
I’ll keep you all posted.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Know why I pulled you over?
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha