Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
my nickname in college
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.