Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Meow
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.