Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.