Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
What the hell happened here.
seems like a niche market
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]