Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Not all heroes wear capes…
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.