Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I enjoy a good short stor
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.