Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science