Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.


In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”


Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”


A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.


Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.


Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?