@legendofchelda

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

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@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

@Tmoney68

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

@ConanOBrien

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

@Smethanie

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

@GibJimson

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?