@DBMaxP

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

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@DadandBuried

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

@CubanaMama82

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@adamgreattweet

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@Lisabug74

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

@goodgrief_rats

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

@BobTheSuit

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”