“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”