@DadandBuried “Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
@DBMaxP Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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@DadandBuried 
@CubanaMama82 The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
@TheFirstDudish To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
@Jake_Vig Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
@adamgreattweet if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
@DaddyJew Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
@Lisabug74 My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
@Reverend_Scott Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
@goodgrief_rats I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
@BobTheSuit *gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”