having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Today’s Times
fr
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️