Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.