Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Roses are red, you always mattered,
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!