[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer