Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
How do you milk an almond?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work