Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.