Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.