Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later