Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

i prefer mine room temperature.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.