Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.