[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
ok this is my dumbest yet
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.