Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
lmao
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far